Graduation Day

First, I wanted to say

Happy Graduation Day ULi!!

It was the fifth graduation day I had seen.. I mean since January 2010.
When will be mine? I wonder, but though I am not so enthusiast about graduation day.
But sure I want to finish fast.

Things are sometimes just not in accordance to our plan. This time, it happened to my research. I admitted that I was not really into my research. But somehow, I felt like things are harder than I expected. There were so many things went wrong. In a while, it is easier to make excuses, but it's not good for a long term. Since when I was making excuses, I didn't really search for solution.

I had started grumbling that I could never had a good chance of using the lab to a full extent, those protocols to do research just making it difficult, my team mates just didn't cooperate well, especially one person that everytime I saw her face it kind of make me sick and other activities just appeared that I chose to do those other things rather than my research.

About my team mates, I felt that I couldn't cooperate well. First I got the toughest job. Then especially a person which making me sick. She is my junior. She couldn't finish the research proposal on time. I pitied her. Since she is also under the same academic supervisor as mine and since our research project are closely related, I lent her my soft copy of proposal. I also made her the financial planning of her research. One day I had a chance to look at her finished proposal and found out that she took some of my sentences and using them as hers! without even bother to paraphrase or something. I had never thought that plagiarism could be this heart breaking, I had headache making those sentences. Then she skipped one or two group discussions, exactly when we splitted the job. The great thing was the discussion result in she got the easier task and I got the hardest. What a lucky b...

There I was irritated and doing my 'job' insincerely'. One day I asked her to help me out, since I got the toughest job (and she should know it, unless she was a moron or ignorant who wouldn't care about the procedures of other's job). And she damn refused it. I just couldn't think any good of her. Then yeah, if you don't want to help me, then don't ever take advantage of me.

Well, it was frustating enough until a time that I start to change my point of view. Instead of feeling that I was a miserable victim, thinking that everything was my fault from the very start is a really helpful. Yeah I know that it means that I should put down that very pride which is really not suit me. Yes, I am wrong. I might not a virtuous person, I am not always right, I do a lot of mistakes, I am a person of many shortcomings.

Yes, it is my mistake that my teammates turn into plagiat. I gave her my softcopy. It is also my mistakes that I got the toughest job since I underestimated her and overestimated my ability that I could cope it alone then I didn't protested the discussion result nor give any term and condition that I should be helped in doing my job.

I should stop putting others in blame, though it is really easy to do it and so much better that we shouldn't admit that we also are wrong. But the effect is I will feel so miserable, so out of control. So powerless. Like whatever I do, people will mess with me, I was not lucky. That damn B was even luckier than me. Pitied myself, 'I've done my best' while actually there were so many wrong doing of mine if I look more closely. When I come to pity my self, I don't feel good at all.

Then I have to accept whatever obstacles and find the solution instead of focusing my attention on how irritated I am. Yeah, I am irritated about that things, that is just how I feel about that thing, but well then there are also things that makes me happy. Cut the flow of thought when I come back to thing about that thing that makes me irritated. There will be no solution, by thinking how irritated I am. Even make me less and less motivated about what I have to do: my research.

And yes, research, better to start thinking about it.